private reflections©
by Nokwisa Yona

cant help but let this woman drag me prod me with her declarationspositsandwhatevers. laments really for a Pain borne even in sunlight and in smiles a Pain that sears and eats always at the remembering...

arms outstreched in wonder and in awe we were with open hearts we saw Them coming...sheets of white bearing Wasichu down upon us on us down and down...

...another, private, lamentation.

they were of good heart it should be etched somewhere in a not real stone somewhere on a plaque on some wall in some christian maybe type study somewhere else but where my eyes would have to see it as the words echo over and over in my head i keep telling myself good hearts good hearts but all i really keep hearing is the heartbeats of all the tribes nations and civilizations that those good hearts and their ethics and moralities and judgments have condemned good hearts that refuse to see past their own goodness sense of rightness and look into other eyes and hearts and see the value of those good hearts and lives and cultures

oh god my own family missionaries on a mission of mercy and goodness and we sit and talk and they are out to save a mankind somewhere from themselves for their god not the god of the men they are saving and i wonder if my husband will be able to ever see past his blood ties and look into my downcast face and eyes and heart and know i am screaming for all the people everywhere yet to be saved by the good hearts and his unheard voice questioning will she say it please don't say it but knowing and proud anyway as my mouth opens and the good hearted words don't trickle out but blasphemy and backwardness and i am damned to an eternity along with the millions of uncivilized unsaved as i question and doubt and twist the good hearted intentions into something akin of genocide and how far will it travel the words of this person this anomaly who has too light skin to be immediately recognized as savage but whose words and thoughts come streaming out in a tirade some person that some preacher thought they had saved and then some priest but it was the old man that knew and listened when he asked about blood and ceremony and helped her along this little lost one in the saved world with her eyes open and she saw what the salvation of man was doing to the people and the masses and somehow it didn't seem quite what the preacher or the priest had really said or even that good book that they were always carrying about and so fond of quoting that determined what a good heart was is or should be but according only to their very narrow interpretation forgetting the world that they live upon the sky that they live beneath the animal and bird and critters beneath their feet only good hearts count and i know that this hostile will lose the bonds the ties that link to these good hearted that are out to save the world from itself and i will be but one of the lost

i saw the faces of junipero serra of the multitude of saviors come to aid the heathen from himself in the eyes across the table the educated guided chosen ones called into service of salvation and grace by a god i've yet to see or determine cuz he's not the one i know for i recall the stockades even stocks at the missions on the coast and the graves and the stories knowing the people that managed in some small way to survive and regroup and save something of themselves in spite of this conquering cruel god and they're in the jungles now but at least gone for the most part from the soil of this land up here but their dedication devotion lack of perception are downright scary and i can't help but be concerned about how many hear their words and ideas and take them as fact since they are american and so well educated and so obviously good intentioned even their perception of the politics of governments and not listening to the people that they are saying they want to help whose ears are they listening with and in spite of five hundred and some odd years and after all the conquistadors were there for so long but the land so massive and the growth so thick even now all the people haven't been reached and what can we do with these blue eyed gods so well educated and intentioned